Your Destination to the Best in Cyberspace
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Jokes
The Doctor's Office
The Doctor's Office
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said; "Your husband is suffering from severe, long term stress and it's affecting his cardiovascular system. He is a good candidate for either a heart attack or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband will surely die".
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress, make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked; "So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What did he tell you?"
"You're going to die", she replied.
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself onto all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker night 10.3, drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, Please!!!
Thanks, Eric
Dear Eric:
This is a very common problem men complain about but in mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "Utilities & Entertainment" program. Wife 1.0 is an Operating System and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding "General Partnership Faults" (GPF). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.
The best course of action will be to enter the command c:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the (GPF)s.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 6.0. Do not under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck, Tech Support
A Man's Meaning to Common Phrases
A Man's Meaning to Common Phrases:
1) "Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
2) "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
3) "It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
4) "It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
5) "I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
6) "We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."
7) Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
8) "That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
9) "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot your Birthday again."
10) "You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."
11) "That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
12) "You know how bad my memory is."
Really means: "I remember the address of my first girl friend, but I forgot your Birthday."
13) "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means: "I have severed a limb, but will bleed to death before
I admit I'm hurt."
14) "I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
15) "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "I sure hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
16) "I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm
completely clueless."
17) "What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me doing?"
18) "I heard you."
Really means: "I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping
desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend
the next 3 days telling me."
19) "You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit."
20) "I'm starving. I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find any clean socks, the kids are hungry and
we are out of toilet paper."
21) "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "I'm lost. I have no idea where we are, and I am too
proud to ask for directions."
22) "We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, you clean them up."
23) "This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means: "You're cutting into the time I spend with my truck."
24) "I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without
printed help."
25) "I Love You."
Really means: "Hummmm ....., better use your own judgment on that one".
Advice for new parents
Advice for new parents
Lesson 1: Budgeting
Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your entire salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2: Parenting Advice
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their....
1. Methods of discipline
2. Lack of patience
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels
4. Allowing their children to run wild
Suggest ways in which they might improve ....
1. Their child's sleeping habits
2. Toilet training
3. Table manners
4. Overall behavior
Enjoy it--it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the
answers.
Lesson 3: Nighttime Pleasures
To prepare for how the nights will be:
1. Walk around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10PM, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 or 2 a.m.
4. Set the alarm for 3 AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4AM.
9. Put the alarm on for 5AM.
10. Get up. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
Lesson 4: Messes
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all
summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed, then, rub them on the clean walls. Now, cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5: Dressing Small Children
1. Buy a live octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this --all morning.
Lesson 6: Arts and Crafts
1. Take an egg carton Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator.
2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle.
3. Last take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of
CocoaPops. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
Lesson 7: Automobiles
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the cassette player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the backseat.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.....perfect.
Lesson 8: Getting Ready to Take A Child Out
1. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour.
2. Go out the front door.
3. Come in again.
4. Go out.
5. Come back in.
6. Go out again.
7. Walk down the front path.
8. Walk back up it.
9. Walk down it again.
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps.
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9
Repeat everything at least, if not more, five times.
Lesson 10 Going to the local supermarket.
Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a preschool child.... a
full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight.
Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 11: Feeding Time
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending the spoon is an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half of what's remaining into your lap...the other half just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.
Lesson 12: Television
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street, Barney, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and Disney. Watch nothing else on T.V. for at least five years.
Lesson 13: Preparing for Diaper Changing
1. Move to the tropics.
2. Find or make a compost pile.
3. Dig down about half way in and stick your nose in it.
Do this 3-5 times a day for two and a half years.
Lesson 14: "Mommy"
Make a recording of Fran Fine (The Nanny) saying "Mommy" repeatedly.
Important... No more than a four second delay between each "mommy".
Occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required. Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with an toddler.
Lesson 15: Conversations
Start talking to an adult of your choice.
Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or
elbow while playing the tape made from FOURTEEN above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Lesson 16: Dress Code
Put on your finest work attire. Pick a day in which you have an important meeting.
1. Take a cup of cream, and put 1/4 cup lemon juice in it.
2. Stir.
3. Dump it on your nice shirt. Also, saturate a towel with this mixture.
4. Attempt to wipe it off with this towel.
5. Do NOT change. You have no time.
6. Go directly to work.
Lesson 17: Car Safety
Go for a ride, but first....
1. Find one large tomcat and six pitbulls.
2. Borrow a child safety seat and put it in the back seat of your car.
3. Put the pitbulls in the front seat of your car.
4. While holding something fragile or delicate, strap the cat into the child seat.
For the really adventurous...Run some errands, remove and replace the cat at each stop!
And give yourself credit! You did this successfully!!!
You might be Addicted to AOL
You might be Addicted to AOL if ......
....Tech support calls "You" for help.
....Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL
....You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"
.... You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.
....You have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's.
....You watch T.V. with the closed captioning turned on
....You have vanity car tag with your screen name on it.
....You no longer type with punctation, capitalization, or complete sentences.
....You begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing.
....When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"
....You know more about your on-line friends daily routines than you do your family's.
....You lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.
.... You double click your T.V. romote
....You have an identity crisis if someone else is using a s/n close to your own.
....You would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line).
....You marry your cyberboyfriend/cybergirlfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room.
....You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.
.... You can now type over 70 wpm.
....You sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists.
....You look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy.
....You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
....You use on-line lingo in everyday life. (if you still have one...hehehe)
....Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.
....You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before your first cup of coffee.
....You wait 6 hours on-line for a certain "special" person to sign on.
....You don't know where the time has gone.
.... You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.
....You end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil.
....Your relationships on AOL have gone farther than any real one you have had.
....You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on your computer instead.
....You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.
....When you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs}}} or ***Kisses***.
....You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl. dunno, and lemme.
....Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave you s/n and I will TTYL.
....You type faster than you think.
.... You smile sideways
....Being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult.
.... You turn down the lights and close the blinds so people won't know you're online again.
.... You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.
....You are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL".
....You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.
.... You have met over 100 users in real life, you first met on AOL.
....You've gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room and give Tech Support to others.
....You have to be pried from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life.
....You meet your friends for lunch and have no idea what their real names are, so you call them by their Screen Names.
.... You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to "check your mail" and while you were there you "just wanted to see who's on-line.
.... You go into withdrawls during dinner.
Please submit your best Joke